The Life and Times of Petunia Dursley
by LadySloth
Summary: The adventures of when Petunia is alone at home, including fighting off Death Eaters, the evil dust bunnies in the attic, and trying to convice the neighbors that she, her husband, her child, and their house are all completely normal. Tough job.
1. RAT!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

Petunia finished washing the dishes, smiling happily. The freak was at that school, if you could call it that, Vernon was at work, and her Diddykins was at a friends house.

Secretly, she HAD hoped that Dudley would take after her in karate, but he had gone for boxing. That was alright, though.

Not that she would ever do karate at this age, of course. What would the neighbors say? That was when she heard it. A tiny, almost inaudible, squeak. Freezing, Petunia listened again, and heard it again.

Turning slowly, she saw the rat on the counter, nibbling on Dudley's snack for when he got home. The rat stopped, as if it could sense it was being watched, and looked up at her. Then, almost as if it was smart, it began crawling all over the snack, taking large chunks out of it, then spitting them back out.

Of course, this was too much for Petunia to handle.

Turning to grab the dish-towel, she moved forward to whip it, but it was no longer there. Hearing a squeak near her feet, she looked down to find the rat staring up at her.

It was then that she snapped, and did something she would never do under normal circumstances.

Snarling, she leapt forward and lashed out at the damn thing. The rat squeaked in alarm and scurried towards the living room, thinking for sure that she wouldn't risk ruining the first room that guests walked into. How wrong it was.

Petunia jumped in the air after it, and her head probably would have gone through the ceiling had she not been slouching. Then, using the towel as her weapon, she overturned the couch with one hand, smashed the glass showcase, used a variety of kicks and punches, threw the towel at it, and at one point clung to the ceiling to jump it.

The rat, seeing a window, made to escape. Petunia grabbed the duster and jumped after it, nearly breaking the window.

The rat then made it's escape through the open sliding glass door. Petunia hurried after it and slammed the door shut. Turning and marching away from it, it was then that Petunia realized she had just used karate to kill a rat. More importantly, though; her house was destroyed!!

Resisting the urge to cry, Petunia trudged forward and proceeded to clean up the mess she had made.

IIIII

Peter turned back to human form behind the crazy-lady's shed, panting for breath. Dammit, that informant had told him wrong! Harry Potter's relatives were supposed to be abnormally normal, and that sure as hell wasn't Harry Potter's house!

What kind of normal-obsessed person would use muggle fighting techniques he had seen in muggle movies to kill one rat?! Grumbling in annoyance because he wouldn't be able to earn his master's approval for his solo mission, and in fear when his master found out he had left, Peter apparated out of Privet Drive.


	2. Dust Bunnies are no laughing matter

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

Today was the day. A day so dreaded by Petunia and Vernon, they agreed that, for this task only, it was okay to have a weapon. Petunia looked up at what she was sure was going to be her doom for the day and gulped.

When the freak had been around five, she didn't know, she didn't keep up with his age, they had thrown him into the attic one cold, winter day to teach him a lesson. Well, apparently he had gotten bored, not cold, and decided to make some friends to play with. Unfortunately, those friends were akin to rabbits, only made of dust. Also; they didn't like Petunia or Vernon.

Tightening her grip on the giant wooden spatula Vernon had carved for the occasion, she boldly moved forward to a place not even her husband dared to go. As quietly as she could, Petunia crept into the attic. She could feel their eyes watching her as she went to the attic window, closing the blinds, curtains, and wooden boards to prevent the neighbors from witnessing.

This was the only time she would wear pants, caprees, shorts, and a t-shirt. Also, she had a special pair of tennis shoes for the occasion. Giving her hair one last tug so it would stay out of her face and stay in its scrunchy, she turned to face the eerily silent room, spatula at the ready.

The room remained eerily silent, but a few flickers of movement caught her attention. She had had to get stitches from these things, they really were out to kill her, that was no joke.

Suddenly, the attic door shut, diving the room into darkness. Petunia was prepared for this, and blindfolded her eyes with a dishtowel.

Then she heard a scuffle of movement off to her left, and swung the spatula as hard as she could, with some satisfaction of feeling it hit something. She had been doing this for years, up until the freak first went to that school. It was routine.

There was a sudden snarling noise from her right, and she instead of running from it, she ran towards it, using all the martial arts moves she knew. Normally, she didn't do this; but she and Vernon had neglected to clean the attic in four years, and that was long enough for the little devils to come up with strategies. They certainly weren't stupid.

After a continuous battle with hordes of the damned things, Petunia felt all movement in the attic stop. Then she felt what was left of the dust bunnies go back, and something…bigger…came forward. Petunia leaned back in a casual manner and removed her dishtowel, pulling it down so it hung around her neck.

It was a large, monstrosity bigger than she was, it's head brushing the ceiling. It's eyes glowed red, and drool fell from it's large, wide mouth. Without warning, it went down on all fours and roared. Petunia's eyes widened. The neighbors!

"You bastard! What about the neighbors!?" Petunia shouted, rushing forward and swinging wildly, the beast jumped back, then burst into dust particles. Petunia felt something ram her in the back and she was thrown against a wall. Her eyes widened as she felt blood drip down her forehead.

That was when she noticed that the beast had dissipated again. Quickly, she jumped up, avoiding a fatal wound to the back. Without a second thought, she cut off the thing's arm. It howled in pain, backing off.

Something she had found out; wood affected them. It was why she and Vernon hadn't been killed in their sleep, the attic was overlaid with wood.

While it was distracted, she jumped into the air, latched her legs onto a support beam, and cut off it's head. With that done, the other dust bunnies were in a frenzy. Their leader was dead!

Petunia smiled evilly, leaping into the fray. All in all, it only took an hour after that.

Petunia waltzed down the stairs, covered in dust and bruises, caked in blood, wearing ripped clothes, and a giant wooden spatula almost as tall as she was slung over one shoulder. As much as she hated to admit it, without some things this house offered, life would be boring.

Dudley watched his mother form around the corner. He had been called by one of the neighbors saying they could have sworn they had heard a roar. He had come just in time to watch his mother come down the attic stairs, a complete mess and wearing a satisfied smile.

When he heard the shower turn on, he pulled down the stairs to the attic and crawled up, peering cautiously around the room before stepping in. It was meticulously clean, the window was extra shiny, and some cleaning supplies had been left behind. Light shined in through the window, lighting up the soft wood of the attic.

Dust was gone, so he could only guess that his mother had been cleaning. But what kind of cleaning involved blood?! The attic was pretty big, actually, now that he realized it. Also, he liked how silent it was up here. Maybe…this could become his new place to hang out.

Meanwhile, Petunia washed herself off, unaware that her son was about to figure out the unnatural secret the attic kept, and with that one secret, would uncover everything.

_A/N yes, a little darker than normal. Hopefully, though, the others wont be as dark. But oh noes! With Dudley now suspicious of her actions, can Petunia hide her secrets of being a housewife for very long?_


End file.
